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February 23, 2015

eleven easy steps to blogging like a true professional

i. Make sure to only post once every six months or so: this will greatly increase your element of suspense & mystery. This is the only sure-fire way to keep your followers interested.

ii. When you do return like the prodigal son, positively shining with the rays of your long-lost glory, make sure to also give them some music & a joke about tea. Your followers will readily welcome you back when presented with such extravagant gifts.

iii. Something about Moses Hebrewing his tea. Haha. Your follower's belly muscles now hurt.

iv. You probably also want to post a picture of your cat wrapped up in a blanket for good measure.

v. Explain that you're sorry (you're probably not really sorry, though—you've been having a smashing time melting your brain cells while scrolling down tumblr, internally figuratively bleeding thanks to Bucky Barnes & talking trees, and somehow accidentally acquiring a love for anime. Sorry is generally more of courtesy term, anyway), and that you've just been so busy (doing what, I'd like to know? Maybe you were attempting to achieve acceptable academic abilities, but you were also disregarding grammar on tumblr & watching Legend of Korra). 

vi. Show off your shnazzy new design. Also, if you drop the elvish alias and blog title your overly-emotional & pre-cynicism 14-year-old self made up and wore like a badge of fantastical glory, you should say as much, or people might get confused. 

vii. Although why you would change everything is beyond me when, knowing yourself so well, you're not entirely sure if you'll blog again. 

viii.  Why are you back? Maybe you just got nostalgic and have this Mr. Incredible-esque desire to relive the glory days. It might also be, due to the feeling that I should attempt to live braver & bigger & more authentically, something to hold me to that. That's uncharacteristically idealistic of me, though. More likely it's because I'm emotionally uncommunicative & just generally uncommunicative in real life. So this is just me trying to say something that isn't shallow & soaked with weary cynicism. 

ix. But to admit that would be admitting to having emotion, which really should be avoided whenever possible. 

x. Also, maybe tumblr is a weird environment (not that it's not great, and you make tons of crazy friends there) and now you are thirsty for meaning. 

xi. Lastly, lament the fact that you used to be funnier than you now appear to be. However did you manage to become such a soggy & festering prune head?

There. Now you are a professional.