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January 11, 2014

• s c a t t e r e d •

s c a t t e r e d by Nessima Tavariel on Grooveshark

i.  I'm 17 now. (By the way, it's an egotistical and boastful tradition of mine to remind you every. single. year. that I came beet-red and screaming into this grubby-but-shining world on the same day (January 3rd) as John Ronald Reuel Tolkien did 105 previous, plus I was endowed with the same first two initials (and my parents did it all by accident) just to make you all hate me.  But putting all pride aside, I'm 17 now.)  And that's a frightening thought, to say the least.  I'm still just a little kid.  A little kid who's holding on to a fear of loud noises and elevators, can't drive a car or do math, virtually incapable of both making and keeping friends, and has absolutely no idea what she should do, or even wants to do, with her life.  

ii.  But she has considered being a spy.  Or an expert in how-bout-we-don't-take-life-seriously-because-serious-is-boring-and-tedious-ology.

iii.  “I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes. Because if you are making're Doing Something.” ― Neil Gaiman

iv.  But I won't do anything, because I'm afraid of making mistakes.  I'm afraid of messing up.  Messing anything up.  That's why I don't I don't do anything.  Because I'm afraid I won't do it right. (Jordan knows.)

v.  But that's actually the dumbest, most ridiculous thing in the world.  It isn't logical.  Or even fun.  It's the most debilitating and paralyzing of inhibitions.  

vi.  “Better to be a laughing-stock than lose the fort for fear of being one.” ― Rosemary Sutcliff, The Eagle Of The Ninth

vii.  If your grandpa wants to take you flying, but airplanes are also on your ridiculously long list of Things That Make My Very Bones Tremble With Stone-cold Fear right alongside clowns and raisins disguised as chocolate chips, you have to say yes before you can think to say no.  The sky is too high not to try to climb.   Plus, the odds of surviving unscathed are heavily in your favour.  And even if you did go plummeting to meet a gruesome demise, you'd have done it the same way Amelia Earhart did*.  And that's a thrilling thought, if not a comforting one.

viii.  For a person who actually doesn't care even the slightest, teeniest, most minuscule bit what people think, I sure care an awful lot.

ix.  There's a moderately large stack of well-dusted but entirely blank notebooks sitting on my bottom shelf.   They're empty because I'm afraid I'll wreck them.  Wow.  Yay for metaphors.  

x.  You need dreams and desire and passion to really get anywhere in life (or at least out of your parents basement), don't you?  I don't have any of those, as far I know.  I mean, I make things like I actually need to or I'll explode, and I'll always have an unexplained and intense fascination with things and people that are long past and very dead, and very occasionally I bleed words like blood.  But mainly I'm pretty indifferent to stuff.

xi.  Apathetic.  That's what I am.   

xii.  Also the most horrendously inconvenient combination of an OCD perfectionist who'd like to be a optimist and intensely lazy procrastinator who's on the pessimistic side of realistic (or maybe it's the other way around).  My mind is both ridiculously orderly and unbelievably chaotic. It's like there's two different Mes inside of me.  And they absolutely hate each other

xiii.  “You can't get a suit of armour and a rubber chicken just like that. You have to plan ahead.”  ― Michael Palin

xiv.  There is an important moral to that, I have no doubt.  

xv.  When people say "Live life to the fullest", what does that mean exactly?  It probably means don't do nothing, or at least to not be afraid of doing anything, doesn't it?  Bah humbug.

xvi.  This year should be very much devoted to learning how to live and breathe for God.

xvii.  To feel is great gift.

xviii.  As are the patterns of shadows and light in the sky and on leaves in the wind and on linen and skin, the way light sings when it hits a spider's web, raindrops on your window, ink stains on your hands, music that pours itself out like a living, breathing creature, the smell (particularly of a forest) after a rainstorm, silence after noise, stories that stick in your mind and fit in your heart, and people who are sincere and have that certain quality of rawness to them, and a lot of other things.

xix.  I may not know a whole lot about the world and life, and I can't claim to have seen much of either, but I'm a good 92% sure that your sense of wonder (that thing you see in small children that makes them question what rainbows are made of and why they only come along with damp bikeseats and mudpuddles, and never lets them get tired of blowing bubbles) is not a thing to loose if you can help it.

xx.  Sincerity is really hard.

xxi.  Faith is really hard.

xxii.  Everything important is really hard.

xxiii.  You should probably look at the stars once in a while.  Starlight and constellations, like beautiful music, good stories, pretty colours, and stubby-tailed puppies, is something the soul can inhale like lungs inhale air.

xxiv.  It honestly feels like a couple months ago when I said what ho to 2013 after the dumb year of 2012. (2013, by the way wasn't much better, but it had more of an aura of Hope to it.)  One always feels so dashed obliged to make one of those ruddy lists of New Years Resolutions, doesn't one?  (And preferably full of the comforting clichés, like "eat healthier, get active, try new things, &c...")  Hmm.  Resolutions.  Can't say I fancy 'em much.  But there are, I'm sure, things I jolly well try to remember which I keep forgetting.  Things like:

  • be kind: the world may not be kind back, but at least you can't say you were asking for it
  • be brave: the world holds no place for the rabbit-hearted
  • care: there's a shortage of people who care in the world - it would be a pity not to be one of them
  • you could comment more often on other people's blogs: your stupid tumblr dashboard can wait a minute
  • God really should be way higher on your list of priorities
  • in general, you really should be less of a selfish, stuck-up, insincere, know-it-all, loud, overbearing control-freak
  • people may be, generally speaking, pretty dreadful, but some are pretty cool and you should keep that in mind
  • try not to poison your dog this year
  • notebooks shouldn't be empty 
  • when people want to talk to you, don't act like you don't know how, because you do, you daft banana
  • you are so incredibly small, and in the whole scheme of things, you probably don't matter much, but never assume you don't    just in case
  • you have so very many books to read
  • "life's for the living, so live it, or you're better off dead" (if you can figure out what the heck that even means)
  • and for heaven's sake, girl    get some sleep

*Assuming, of course, that my "she flew through a wormhole in space and is now having a whackload of fun testing high-tech aircraft in some far corner of the universe" theory is incorrect.  


  1. You're only one week older than I am! My 17th birthday was yesterday! I always thought that it was cool to have a birthday so close to Tolkien's, but it would be completely awesome for it to be on the same day! We have some friends whose daughter's birthday is on the 3rd, but she's only three so she hasn't realized how awesome that is. Here parents love Lotr though, so they'll let her know. :)

    1. Well then, happy slightly belated birthday!

  2. Isn't it fun when you come across someone who is just like you? Reading through your lists was like checking off myself. I too own a bajillion notebooks (whatever that means) and haven't written in them. I wrote in one, once, because I went to Scotland and had an excuse. But otherwise, they're so purty the way they are, yanno?

    And we can be daft bananas together, because unless you're willing to talk about 1) books, 2) music, 3) movies or TV shows, we're going to end up exchanging weather updates and uncomfortable smiles. Oh, and I might pretend I have to find someone, so I have an excuse for ditching you.

    And if it makes you feel any better, I'm a few years older than you and still have no idea what I'm doing with my life either. Well, I know I want to be a writer, but since the publishing industry is hard that's something I'm still working toward. It's not supplying a livelihood so far. And I want to be a mother, but since future husbands seem to be ostensibly absent that's another thing I'm working toward. We'll see if medical transcription works out. I'm having night terrors of a life stretching ahead of me, filled with job hunting and interviews. Ugh.

    So that's when I read. :)

    Here's to New Year's Resolutions! I made two. Yay, me!

    1. Haha. Those are kind of the basic conversation bases/starters, aren't they? And if people don't feel like talking about any of those things, our relationship isn't going to go very far.

      That does actually make me feel better. Thank you. Bless you, Sherlock.

  3. Happy Birthday to one of the very best people that I know.

    I think our minds are slightly similar.

    I am also in a cloud of apathy. It's been interesting.

    Don't be afraid to fill notebooks with shuddering, awkward, juvenile muchness. Because it will still be memories.

    I have three towering biles of books to read behind my bed. I read so much less than I want to.


    You quotes Michael Palin. Michael Palin is from Monty Python. I love Monty Python.


    Blimey Cow. [yes.]

    Also, A+ for lists. Lists are very cool.

    1. *cross-country brofist* Thanks, Abby. You're the coolest.

      I think our minds might be very similar.

      Apathy apthay thapay apa-pap-thee-ay...

      "...shuddering, awkward, juvenile, muchness." You and words are my otp.

      Books, books, books... shelves and shelves of books. It's very discouraging when you think how you'll never be able to read them all. Someday you'll die knowing there are stories you missed out on. Bleh.

      Yes yes stars indeed I love stars stars are frabjous.

      I didn't have any idea who Michael Palin was. But that quote was in my liked quotes on GR, so I put it in there. Things were getting too serious. But I do remember watching Monty Python with my dad when I was young. There's a stack of VHS Monty Python around here somewhere...

      God. God looks like stars. That's what I think when I see stars, on a really clear, freezing cold winter's night. Or a slightly cloudy summer's night.

      The intense eyebrows. Second only to Thranduil's.

      Liiiists. I can spend 6 hours making a list for something I could have done in 30 minutes. They're like...organized procrastination. I like that.

  4. If I had Tolkien's birthday and first initals I would brag too. Certain things in life have actual bragging rights and that is one of them.

    Clowns and raisins are scary.Anyone who thinks over wise is insane.

    And there is an art to making friends...and you're not alone in not having mastered it. But keep trying, you never fail till you stop trying.

    And keep working on overcoming your fears. (I can say this, because I have a ton as well, one of them getting out of bed in the morning. It is a battle to fight them, but good things come of it.) Trust God, He has the best for you, and an adventure that is better than any you can imagine.

    1. Here. Have some virtual cookie dough*. I made it myself.

      *no raisins or clowns were used in the making of this product.

  5. Happy birthday! I came from Bella's blog and decided to visit your blog. It is interesting, i too have a few empty notebooks on my shelf that i'm trying to keep from bending and messing up. But i do plan on using them to keep writing my diary, but funny thing is, I can't find myself to use them for something else. It is like i don't want to ruin them.

    Nice to meet you. If you ever want to visit me, here is my blog url