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December 31, 2013

wherein I turn into a medium-sized pinkish rage monster

Or, I Have Been Made Angry and Know Not Why, or, I Have Been Stabbed in the Back and It May as Well Have Been Literally, or, I Can No Longer Trust Anyone to Do Anything Right, or, I Can Hear His  Beloved Bones Moaning In His the Depths of His Dark Grave, or, I Present a Brutally Honest Opinion That No One Hates As Much As I (just remember that in the dark times to come, okay?), or my personal favourite, The Sun Has Risen Black on the Horizon and I Am Confused and Troubled and I Don't Know What to Do About It Or Anything Because Holy Oliphaunts I am Angry.

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug poster
So.  I've seen The Desolation of Smaug (a couple weeks by now.  This took a while.).  That great and grand spectacle we've been eagerly and impatiently awaiting since An Unexpected Journey graced us with it's glorious presence a year ago.  The movie that would smite me through the heart with it's undoubtedly inevitable magnificence.  Allegedly Peter Jackson's favourite of 5 Middle-earth films.  And all I can think is, "This must be what Edmund felt like when the White Witch promised him a throne and a lifetime supply of Turkish Delight and instead he just a hunk of stale bread, a mug of ice, and an all-inclusive stay in a bloody deep-freeze on a dungeon, only he must have had some inkling that things might not go well, and I actually didn't see this coming at all."

No one wanted to love this movie more than I did, okay?  Let me just get that out there.  Weeell, I can't say no one.  The people camping out in full hand-sewn costume on opening night were, I'm going to assume, a bit more stoked than I was.  But that's not the point.

I'm not going to say it sucked and I hated it, because it neither sucked nor did I hate it.  I didn't sit through the whole thing fiddling with my 3D glasses (the 3D, by the way, was the best I'd ever seen.  But trying to get 3D glasses to sit straight over top of regular glasses + Tauriel hair = really dumb) wishing it would be over so I could hurry up and track PJ down and give him a hulking chunk of my outraged mind.  
No, no.  The reoccurring thought going through my head the whole time was, "Hmm.  That bit could've should've been better, but no doubt the next scene will be brilliant, and it will certainly be amazing before the end.  How could it not be?  This is Peter Jackson, maker of the greatest films of all time."

Turns ol' PJ here is not a genius as one would like to believe.

It started out on a good note.  Gandalf and Thorin meeting in Bree.  That was a good scene.  

Then Bilbo doing his nose-twitch thing while expertly spying on some orcs.  

Then it was all just, "Ermergersh, a bear!  Oh look! a little barn we can chill in while we hide from this nasty bear who's trying to brutally slaughter us!  Wait, the barn belong's to the bear?  And the bear is actually a menacingly boring old porcupine man with a fetish for the '80s look?  Well, at least he has magical identical ponies he'll maybe let us ride." 
The Beorn scene, which I was so so so looking forward to, was butchered.  And as if it was ashamed of its own disgraceful appearance, it was rushed over.  Where was that classic introduction scene?  Why did Beorn live in a barn?  Where was the dwarves' song that should've been in there (I was so excited for that)?  And why in bloody heck did Beorn look like a mulleted porcupine made of boring?  I'm a bit lot upset about that.

And then Mirkwood.  Also rushed.  And done pretty wrong.  No Bombur in the river?  Bah.  

The spider scene was pretty okay.  Especially when you see Bilbo's growing obsession with the Ring, and then him realizing the hold it has over him.  That was brilliant.  But that's really supposed to be his scene, in which the dwarves really gain respect for him, but it was kind of stolen from him by the Elves.  (Actually, that's basically how the rest of the movie goes, as well.)  

Which brings me to the Elves. *sarcasm warning in effect as of now*

Thranduil was very cool.  Very cool indeed.
Hmmm...looks like another good day for LEE!!!!! :D

Legolas should, of course, be in it.  It's only logical that the Prince of Mirkwood be in Mirkwood.  His makeup is truly terrible, though.  But I guess Orlando is getting on in years.  He's obviously getting arthritis.  Why else would his fight sequences look so stiff?  

And then Tauriel.  Unlike some of you, I was always fully prepared to like her.  A lot.  Sure, she was a bit over publicized.  But that's no reason to hate a girl, is it?  Anyway, I thought she made an excellent replacement for Bilbo as the main character!  Who needs Bilbo?  Bilbo's boring.  It's a shame the movie had to be called The Hobbit and not The She-Elf, don't you think?  And if you make a female character who can kill that many orcs per second, you don't even need to give her any depth or development!  

*laughs maniacally and slams head into wall*

In all seriousness though, I do like Tauriel.  But I really, really, really wanted to like her more.  I thought that I would.  I was excited to have a new female character in these movies.  But I just didn't see any depth of character in her and development was nil.  

Her relationship with Kili (or "Kiliel", as it has been so dubbed) was another thing I was actually optimistic about beforehand.  I don't really have too much trouble with it.  Except it was a bit cheesey at times, and, thinking about it, it kind of draws a bit of the significance away from Gimli and Legolas's friendship, as well as Gimli and Galadriel's.  But I did really like that scene with the rune stone (and he talks about his mother making him promise to come back to her and I just about curled up on that gross, popcorn-covered theatre floor and died) where she's talking about the stars and it was just really pretty, okay?  And I did like her passion and care for all of Middle-earth, and not just for Mirkwood, as the rest of the Mirkwood Elves seem to.  

The, shall we call it, Glowing Athelas scene at first struck me as a stupid attempt to recreate the scene in FOTR in which Arwen starts glowing.  But maybe it's just an Elf-healing thing?  I don't know.  I, personally, have never been healed from deadly illness by an Elf armed with Athelas.  But I will let you know if it ever happens and whether or not the Elf glows. 

The barrel escape scene was kind of lacklustre.  Legolas jumping on the dwarves heads and Bombur's ninja helicopter thing felt like they were trying force some sort of cheap humour on me.  Well.  I guess everyone else in that rather-full theatre was laughing.  I was just kinda like, "Wait, was that funny?  Should I be laughing?  I don't feel like laughing."

Bard though.  One of the very few things about DOS that actually exceeded my expectations.  

Instead of being just that random grim dude of the line of Girion who jumps up out of the blue and kills the dragon, we actually get to see his layers and depth and story.  He (and his family) are splendidly well done.  Definitely one of the highlights of this movie.  

Smaug was brilliant.  He looked brilliant.  He sounded brilliant (well...duh).  His scene with Bilbo was brilliant.  Until it wasn't.  All of a sudden Smaug had everything figured out (wait a second... Sherlock?  Is that you?) and Bilbo took off the Ring and then there was a lot of noise and somehow a lot of gold?  What the...?  But I ain't gonna lie bro, him shaking off that metric ton of molten gold against the night sky looked pretty magnificent. 

In conclusion, it's okay as a movie in it's own right, aside from the choppiness of it and it's lack of natural flow (it felt like it had been chopped into chunks and then sloppily stuck together with a dried-out bottle of craft glue).  

But as an adaptation of The Hobbit?  I'm not sure which gif is more applicable here.  Is it sad Batman?

Exasperated Ichabod?

Or judgmental Aragorn?

Let's go with all three.

Heaven knows AUJ wasn't perfect.  But it had so many good from-the-book moments that made it sparkle.  This one seemed to think it could get away without any of those.  All the good bits from the book were either cut or rushed to make room for Peter Jackson's own ideas.  It became a chaotic, noisy, sloppy shmozzle of orc-slashing and CGI (it often looked like a video game).  

Martin Freeman's flawless (as we saw in AUJ) performance as Bilbo could've carried much of the weight of it, but he was barely in it!  Did they forget who the main character is? 

It showed a complete disregard and disrespect for Tolkien and his beloved story; the sort of story that could've been told by a weather-beaten bard with an old harp in the halls of an Anglo Saxon lord 1200 years ago.  Where was the wit?  The classic humour?  The intelligence?  The charm and homeyness of it?  

I'm not such a fanatical purist that a movie has to be exactly like the book is based on.  I'm all for the director's artistic license.  Take The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, for instance.  It's possibly my favourite of the Chronicles of Narnia, and certainly one of my favourite books ever, but the movie, despite being so far from the book, still manages to be my favourite of those movies (well... LWW is maybe tied with it).  Things often need to be added to or taken away to make the story work as a movie.  A movie is different from a book, remember.  Making the barrel scene a little more intense (I said intense, not dumb) might be a better movie-thing than closing the dwarves in barrels for a couple days.  But that's all the excuse I'm making for that.  

Oh, and the effects in the Sauron vs Gandalf scene were really cool.  And Bard was brilliant.  

Now I'm done making excuses for it.

It's like the path through Mirkwood, you know?  Don't leave it.  Be creative, but don't leave the path!  Well, he left the path.  And the bloody fool went and got himself lost.  

So.  What did you think of it?  You probably loved it.  Well.  I'm very happy for you.  Please enjoy the happiness that should have been mine.  

On the upside though, There and Back Again can hardly be much worse.  More painful, perhaps.  But not worse.  Hopefully this was just a rebellious teenaged middle child or something.  

I'm going to go Hulk-smash something now.  Goodbye.  Happy New Year.  Not that I'll get much happiness out of it.  I've had my movie hijacked by idiots.  And then there was something about a falling bowtie and Amy Pond. 

December 11, 2013

to boldly humbug where no bug has hummed before

{currently listening to this piece of loveliness}

One does try one's hardest not to let winter get under skin (especially not in a literal sense, as that really hurts)    after all, what are immobile and burning extremities, eyelids frozen shut, and heated pet water dishes that must have been made in California to the rest of the world's collection of ill-begotten woes?  But I really can't help but feel that a couple days of glorious -10 dropping to -40 overnight (literally) is just a bit over the top.

But we're moving this week.  Finally.  And foresee a tumultuous lack of internet hovering over it like a rain cloud of despair and desperation.  Fortunately though, the new house is only 20 feet away, so I can just lug my stuff over, one by one, with great convenience and only have to be out in the cold for 30 seconds for at a time.  Oh joys.

I also need my wisdom teeth out.  They'll just have to wait, though.  'Till my January cold, with any luck.  Ugh.  Who was it who said "You forget what a boone it is to breathe through one's nose untill you have a head cold"?  I have a notion it was in an Agatha Christie (perhaps Partner's in Crime) but I couldn't be bothered to find it right now, and it's not relevant anyway.  I just had the thought of my gums being sliced open and my silly teeth being pulled from my poor, abused jaw, leaving gaping chasms of blood and death behind, while being unable to breathe, sleep, or function correctly.  I'll also probably be suffering from epilepsy or some other nervous disorder by then, as the lights in my new room have this ghastly sort of strobe-effect.  Gorlog's beard.  

Here's a fun fact: Horse dewormer is poisonous to all dogs (which we all know), but some breeds of collie have a genetic mutation which makes them 200% more susceptible to ivermectin (a type of horse dewormer).  So you could leave a drop, just a drop, on the ground, and cover it up with plenty of snow, and if a dog with that specific mutation were to lick that particular spot, the dog may display symptoms such as apparent blindness, disorientation, tremors, etc, which could lead to comatose and seizures and eventually death.  But what are the chances of that happening, right?  
Sooo, apparently Charlie has that mutation, plus his is extra special on top of that.  Oh, for the love of monkeys.  But he's okay now.  48 hours of  IV and having charcoal stuffed down his thorat and he's just dandy.  The little idiot.

On a cheerier note, I haven't seen a mosquito in a while.  And there is something just ridiculously satisfying about trudging through the snow while singing wailing Let It Go (from Frozen) at the very top of your burning lungs.  I AM ELSA, QUEEN OF THIS ICEY SNOW PILE.  HEAR ME ROAR.  Yeah.  That's fun.  You can never scare the neighbours too much, I always say.  

And this one is like my theme song.  Because sometimes I forget I'm not a snowman.  Then again, this song could also be my theme song.  Because of reasons.

Speaking of Frozen, I simply must insist you go see it immediately, if you haven't already.  It's even better than Tangled.  And I love Tangled.

And if you happen to have any more of that fair and elusive thing called money, The Book Thief is beautiful and painful and magnificent and perfectly cast and the score is gorgeous and and it's not perfect but I'm please with it especially the cast it's my Rudy and my Max and my Hans and my Rosa and my Liesel but especially Rudy and Max and Hans and Rosa and Liesel they are so beautiful and real like they always were but now I can really see them and what is my heart doing ow stop feels *rant fades out into quiet sobbing*  

Why does it feel like everything in this silly old world is moving faster than me?  (Except for the internet.  The internet is slow.  The internet is dumb.)  No, no.  What's bad is how I let it get so far ahead of me.   
This is hilariously true because I drew this while procrastinating on all my homework. ;__;

Also, why is math a thing.  I'm tired of math.  Math is probably even tired of me.


I'd almost forgotten about it in my mess of boxes and math and snow shoveling and hammering ice out of hooves and scraping it off fluffy coats and asking God not to let my puppy die.  But now I'm remembering and KINDA GOING CRAZY.

I don't even know what's under my bed, but it looks scary.

Math is dumb.

Tumblr is dumb.

Rereading The Hobbit is awesome.

The Catching Fire soundtrack is really good.

Bastille is really good.

I assembled my new bed in my new room in my new house today and I cut myself on it and I think it's infected.  

Why is it almost Christmas.  What have I done with the Advent wreath.  Why do I have no money.

$100 Canadian bills are actually maple syrup scented.  Not that I would know.  I don't have any.  Or a job.  Or a license.  What have I done.

Mother of Mine's birthday is tomorrow.  Guess who doesn't even have a card for her.

“Bah," said Scrooge, "Humbug.”